anythingSF

Finding an Apartment

Finding an apartment can be stressful. During your search, you will undoubtedly ask many questions of the landlord. Below are the most common responses to typical questions you might have. This is provided as a way to ensure their answers do not shock you.

You (Y): Is parking included in the rent?
Landlord (LL): Hahaha…where you from? Kansas? There’s no parking here. You can park on the street, though. Just be aware of the street sweeping schedule, the times when you will not find any spaces (usually from morning to late night), and the likelihood your car will be smashed or stolen.
Y: Are pets allowed?
LL: Of course. Except for dogs, cats, birds, or anything else with fur, hair, or feathers.
Y: What size apartment is available for under $1,000 a month?
LL: Uhhh, there’s a parking space at a garage down the street. That might get you about 200 square feet.
Y: No, I meant for living space.
LL: For a $1,000 a month? You need to be looking for a room to rent, not a whole apartment.
Y: How much do I have to give you up front?
LL: First month’s rent, last month’s rent, security deposit of 1 month’s rent, an application fee, an application processing fee, painting fee, appliance hookup fee, and parking fee.
Y: Wait, I thought parking was not included.
LL: The parking fee is what we charge you to use the street to park.
Y: But, isn’t the street a public space?
LL: Look, do you want the apartment or not? I can’t waste my time here answering all your stupid questions.
Y: Your ad said there are city views, but I can’t see anything.
LL: See that building across the street?
Y: Yeah.
LL: Well, that’s part of the city. And you can view it. What more do you want?
Y: I don’t see a heater or air conditioner anywhere.
LL: No one has air conditioning, you just open the window. When you want heating, you close the window.
Y: I don’t understand why the refrigerator is in the bathroom.
LL: It’s an efficient design. The kitchen and bath facilities are combined into one.
Y: Okay, but the ad said this is a one bedroom. It looks like a studio to me.
LL: There’s a Murphy bed on that wall over there. When you pull it down, this becomes a one bedroom. When it is up it is the living room.
Y: But the ad says 1 bedroom.
LL: It IS one bedroom. It is one bedroom at night and one living room during the day.
Y: Maybe I should look at a loft apartment instead.
LL: You can, but it is the same design as this studio…I mean, one bedroom.
Y: How can you advertise it as different, then?
LL: Because we charge more for a loft.
Y: But, you said there’s no difference.
LL: The difference is the monthly rent. We charge a lot more for a loft.
Y: But it’s the same as a studio?
LL: Design-wise, that’s true. But it costs more because we call it a loft and people will pay more to live in a loft so we call it a loft and charge more.
Y: Maybe I should go back to Kansas…
LL: Have fun. Next applicant?