“I’m moving to L.A!” Could any other four words be more glorious? Note: The opinions of midwestern mothers don’t count. So, now that you are here for more than just a snapshot of the Hollywood sign and a drive-by of the Baywatch beach, there are a few things you need to know. As a new resident, it is critical that you uphold the standards of a true Californian. Remember, everyone on the planet will be looking at you as an example of how to live. It is an enormous responsibility. You might think that being a model citizen of California simply involves learning to eat Sushi and carrying a fake Louis Vuitton bag. There is far more to it than that. You'll have to make a few adjustments living here compared to living anywhere else.

As everywhere, unfortunately you can’t come to California and escape government and taxes. First of all, let’s just clarify that the official pronunciation of our state is not "kolly-fone-ya" despite what you may have heard from our Governor. The correct pronunciation is actually Cal-Trans. Caltrans used to be simply the California Department of Transportation but has evolved to encompass ownership of everything in the state. Many residents still stubbornly believe that they own property, however, the 100-year plan is for the entire landmass of the state to become one single freeway by 2105. Speaking of the governor, he recently passed state tax reform. Now, instead of being based on income, your taxes will be based on bust size. The bigger your breasts, the less you pay in taxes. This is clearly a blatant attempt by the governor to attract many of the well-endowed women who had been moving to Las Vegas as well as encouraging the continued growth of the plastic surgery industry. While this does tend to discriminate against the male population, in a recent poll, 99.3% of men thought it was a good idea.

As you probably already can tell, transportation is part of the California lifestyle. Although many cities back East have wonderful public transit, this is not the case in California. While there are buses and trains in California, these are strictly off limits to residents and are only to be used by tourists. Also, be aware that it is California state law that if you anticipate going more than 10 feet beyond your home, you must drive your car. If you are rich, you are required to own at least several of the following cars – BMW, Lexus, Infinity, Jaguar, Mercedes, Cadillac, or Lincoln. If you are middle class you are required to drive at least one of the above-listed cars. If you are poor, you are allowed to drive any car that was manufactured before 1997 as long as a combination of the sound system and wheel rims are worth more than twice the car's value. More details can be found in the California DMV Drivers Guidebook.

Farming and agriculture are very important to the California economy but it is impolite to speak of this in general conversation. We consider this industry to be shameful and embarrassing so please do not ask anyone about it. One major exception is the wine business. One might think that growing grapes, fertilizing, harvesting the fruit, etc. sounds a lot like farming, but to us it is completely different. In fact, if you do not visit a vineyard or winery within 30 days of your move, you could be fined.

It’s also impolite to talk about nice weather here. As in, "What a lovely day!" That kind of comment could get you slapped in the face. That's because every day is lovely here so that is a little like saying, "What a lovely roll of toilet paper." On the other hand, you are encouraged to complain loudly and often when the weather is bad. The definition of bad weather in California is any day where the temperature is above 75° or below 72° and/or there is wind stronger than 5 mph or there is a cloud in the sky.

If you spot a celebrity, don’t worry: the rules are simple. If you yourself are a celebrity and you see another celebrity, you may act normally and go about your business (unless you have worked together in which case you should avoid eye contact and quickly run in a different direction). If you are not a celebrity then it is appropriate to immediately drop to your knees, head down, and exclaim, "I am not worthy to be in your presence. Thank you kind sir (or madam), for allowing me to breathe the same smog as you." The exception is if you have a camera in which case you are encouraged to take multiple photos of the celebrity, regardless of the circumstances. The National Enquirer has reps waiting to pay you cash on the spot for celeb pics 24/7 at all neighborhood 7-11's.

Real estate is an important part of life here, almost as important as transportation. You'll want to buy a house as soon as you arrive here. In California, the only thing better than being a celebrity is owning real estate. This is primarily because celebrities still have to do something to earn a living (even if it is going to parties and acting childish). Not so if you own property. Simply go out into your backyard, take a nap, and a few hours later your house will have doubled in value. Don’t worry about the fact that you can’t afford to buy a house the traditional way. You can get approved for a million dollar mortgage at any supermarket with no money down and no need for actual income.

There are certainly many other things that you’ll need to learn as a new resident of California. But, if you follow these first few guidelines, you will be well on your way to fitting in like the rest of us.